overcoming Agoraphobia

If you have ever suffered from anxiety or fear of going outside the sanctuary of your own home, this blog might help:

For many years, I lived a life marked by conflict and angst.  It began, really, when I was 16 and my mother became very ill;  I had just started my first job and I was suddenly thrown in to working, looking after my younger brother and keeping house for the family.  It resurfaced after my first child, a son, was born.  I realize now, he probably had some features of Asperger’s Syndrome and obsessive/compulsive disorder. . He was a child who demanded a lot of attention;  constant attention.  He was always contrary, hard to manage, very talkative and always wanting attention. I literally battled with him all day, every day. If I asked him not to do something, he would do it anyway. I tried to reason with him.  He would ask me over and over why he couldn't do it and I had to answer him, all the time. I just didn’t realize that anything was wrong, because he was my first child.    

I had two other children.   Then my marriage began to fail.  My husband had always been an emotionally abusive man, although I didn’t realize this for many years.  He became very difficult to live with. My home life was very stressful.  There was so much walking on egg shells all the time because I never knew when my husband would pick a fight or be cruel. Other times he would be just charming, but I knew he could change on a whim.  It was all part of his need to be emotionally abusive and manipulative. I began to dread him coming home from work. And there were all the normal pressures of children, especially my son, who was a handful.

Every year was the same and I began to live in a constant state of anxiety;  of being in the flight and fight syndrome all the time.  When bad things happen, your body releases adrenalin to enable your body to either fight the foe, or flee from it. Eventually, my adrenal glands were pumping out adrenalin constantly, and I began to experience the symptoms of a nervous system working in overload. I began to have panic attacks. I would experience absolutely real terror, for no apparent reason. It would come at any time, but I began to fear that it would happen when I was away from the safety of my home. They did, indeed, come out of the blue, regularly, when I was out. I literally could not walk down to the bus stop to collect my kids off the bus, without the terror accompanying me

Then, I began to fear the feelings of panic themselves, and so descended deep into a full blown agoraphobic state.  Agoraphobia means fear of open spaces, but it really means fear of going out because you think that when you go out, you will have an attack of panic.

My life took on a hellish quality. 

Then, I read a book called “Help and Hope for your nerves” by Dr Claire Weeks, a lady psychologist.  It’s still in print, I believe, though it was written decades ago. The advice is very practical. It’s available from fishpond: http://www.fishpond.com.au/Books/Hope-and-Help-for-Your-Nerves-Claire-Weekes/9780451167224

There are many sensations associated with being in an anxiety state.  There can be feelings of “strangeness”;  of feeling unreal;  feeling like something terrible is about to happen;  (impending doom); indecision; feeling jittery;  dry mouth;  pounding heart;  rapid breathing.  I used to feel like my head had a sort of “nervous tic” inside it, on occasions.  These are all symptoms of an overstressed nervous system.  But I began to fear the feelings themselves.  I began to realize that I had put myself in this cycle, by adding “second fear” to the first fear of all the genuine worries and strain I was under. 

It is the fear you have to address.  Face the fear and it will go away.  It’s like a big black dog growling at you.  You have to face it down, growl back, and it will go away. It’s always your body tricking you into thinking something is amiss, or something terrible is about to happen, when actually, it’s your body’s natural reaction to stress!

So, when the panic comes, say to yourself “it’s just my body doing it’s thing;  it’s not life threatening;  it’s not pain;  it’s just a normal reaction to my abnormal amount of strain and worry.  Let the feeling come;  try not to run from the feeling.  Let the feeling come and feel the fear, but do not run from it.

Let the feeling come and say to yourself “it’s just a feeling and it will pass”.  It ALWAYS passes.  I’m not saying this is easy while you are doing it, but it works.

I would be in the supermarket and would feel paralysing fear.  I would make myself stay in the supermarket queue. Let the feeling come, and like a wave, pass through you and leave again. 

Try and “float” the fear too.  So, while you feel the panic, relax towards it too.  Try and make yourself float and relax.  This is very difficult; I’m not saying it’s easy, but if you can relax even a tiny little bit, each time the panic comes, you are gradually desensitising your system to the fear.

While the strange sensations and the feeling of fear are there, try and let your mind concentrate on other things.  Try and take notice of your surroundings, for example.  The fear will be there, but try and see it as a wave, which comes, passes through your body and is gone.  When you do this, you are desensitising your body to the flight and fight syndrome.  If you “run” in fear, you are perpetuating the fear and it grows. You must calmly face it down.  For a while you will be in two minds;   one which is trying desperately to, say, notice this week’s specials in the supermarket queue, and the other with the panic snapping at your head.  Try and “float” the fear.  So, it’s there, but it’s just floating in your body, but, like a wave, it will float away. This is difficult, but it gets easier and eventually your adrenal system will be back to normal and you will no longer fear the sensations. It’s the fear of the sensations, which causes more anxiety.  It’s fear of fear, so it becomes a terrible cycle. This is what you must face and short-circuit.

I could eventually almost look forward to going out because it was a chance to get that little bit better.  But if you could have seen me when I was in the throes of getting better…..  I would be in the supermarket queue, feeling SO panic stricken, but I never left the queue and made a run for it.  If I could have jiggled about and flapped my arms or something, it would have helped, but I had to stand there and try and look normal!

The kids’ school concerts, church etc were torture, because I’d be trying to sit still and listen, but all the while the panic was huge! To stand and talk to people was awful because I’d be trying to keep up a conversation with someone, all the time with the same kind of panic in my body, as though they were holding a gun to my head! Ironically, some people have told me in later years, that I radiate a lovely serenity and seem very calm.  Hahaha!  I’m sure this is because of those years of “training” myself not to fear the fear.  I got to the point where I’d stand in the supermarket queue, feel a bit anxious and I’d say to my fear “come on then!  Do your worst, ya piker!”.  It never did.  I’d soon be thinking of something else, completely relaxed! It’s a gradual progress, but it does work. (I did it without chemical assistance of any kind, but I recommend you visit your Dr and see if he can prescribe something which will take the edge off your panic).

As you get better, and more "normal", you will sometimes experience a sort of "shadow" of the fear.  This too, will pass.  Let it come;  don't let it bluff you. Sometimes, you can feel a bit panicky even years after you are healed.  Let it go.  It will pass. Don't react to it.

I applied the above principles and gradually I climbed out of my anxiety state. The beauty of this “behavioural” approach is that this kind of fear/anxiety can never hold you captive again, because you know how to short circuit it whenever you feel a bit anxious. So, even when my son died, I had no problems with anxiety (grief, yes!).  His estate was contested and this caused me great worry and further grief over a period of 3 years, but I never became panicky;  the anxiety was never accompanied by the fear of anxiety. Incidentally, he gradually overcame his “Asperger’s” or whatever it was.  By the time he died, he was a lovely, steadfast, gentle, caring man. Thank you God.

I was much healed from this terror, by the time my husband eventually left me and abandoned his children.  I had to go out to work, full time, took out a mortgage, and lived very frugally, to support the family. My husband would not pay maintenance for his kids. My father died a few months before he left; then about 15 months after he left, my boss began to bully me, and eventually threatened me with dismissal (if I lost my job, I would have lost my house).  I successfully managed the "fear" factor in this, although it was a dreadful time. Thankfully, he left the workplace before he could carry out his threat, but it heralded the beginning of more difficult years. The work-load, and the worry-load was huge. There was the emotional and practical impact of my divorce. (My life sounds like a bad plot from a soap opera! J) There was much to come to grips with, and this took many years.

Eventually, after the kids were older, I became very depleted, from all those years of work and strain, and this impacted my life too.

But that’s for another blog! Be assured, you can heal yourself from this anxiety.