What do we do when people hurt us?

What do we do when people hurt us?  How do we cope with the wounds?  How do we go from brokenness to healing?

Perhaps our first instinct is to hit out at those who have hurt us.  We want to hurt back.  This never worked for me.  I didn’t really take this path when I was battling my own hurts from people I trusted.

I tended to become introspective, and that’s not a bad thing in itself, but I spent too much time being bitter, self-pitying and wanting justice.  The justice thing is difficult.  It’s natural to want justice;  to have our name cleared, or to be vindicated.  It’s also natural to want to be recompensed for what we’ve lost.  But when we stray from wanting justice, to wanting revenge, we are entering a cavern of self-destruction.

But there are better things than revenge, and in my experience justice and vindication can be hard to achieve because it often depends on others and you can’t change others. 

Better than justice, is healing for you, regardless of what happens to those who’ve hurt you.  It may be good to try and get justice for yourself, but this isn’t always possible.  Healing, on the other hand, is something which allows you to triumph, no matter what has happened to you.

You being healed, happy and strong is the best kind of justice and retribution.  Hankering after “getting back at people” is one of the most destructive forces you can foster.  But it won’t destroy them;  it will destroy you.

If you find a way to hurt your abusers, there won’t be the relief you crave.  Or if there is, then you are a long way down the journey to becoming just like them.  Are you sure that’s what you want?

My advice to you is to spend your emotional energy on finding your own self. If you don't want to repeat the pattern, you must understand what mistakes you made, or why you trusted the wrong people or became vulnerable to victimisation. Sometimes these things are out of our control.  It's been my experience that some people will hurt you because they like doing it, and because they can.  They must face that on that Great Day when all will be revealed and all will be called to account.  But you must concern yourself only with yourself.

Use your energy in positive and constructive ways.  Leave the resentment and hatred of those who’ve hurt you, with God.

There may be people reading this blog who find the image of a Christian God unacceptable because of some hurt or abuse suffered at the hands of some phoney person in the organised church.

Go past them and find an image of God you are comfortable with;  whether it’s a gentle Shepherd Jesus, or a father figure God, or even a dying Jesus, asking forgiveness of His killers.  Put your negative emotions and feelings into the hands of this God.  Get them out of your soul and into the heart of the great Being who made us all. Acknowledge it’s there – acknowledge the destructive emotions, then say “I’m not listening to you. Go away”. And give them to God. Imagine them flying off from your mind and body, into the great Cosmos, and there they dissolve. You may have to take this action over and over again.  It may not feel like it, but each time, you are leaving a little more of it behind.

I also cannot stress enough,  the benefit of physical occupation during times of grief, anxiety or agitation. The physicality of moving or using your hands, especially if it’s creative, somehow provides a channel;  a mechanism which “uses up” or releases the negative emotions.  Find something you like doing;  something which makes you live in the moment. It might be gardening, or playing golf – any occupation in which you are only thinking about doing that thing. This also releases good chemicals into your body which helps you stay happy and balanced.

For me, it was bushwalking. I wore out at least two pairs of stout shoes tramping through the beautiful mid north coast environment of NSW in Australia.  I walked, with a social group, every Friday, through beach scapes and forest;  climbed the Fire Lookout at Comboyne plateau – it felt like I sat on the top of the world as I looked out across to the valley below.  Gardening was also a wonderful diversion;  knitting, sewing;  these too kept anxiety at bay. You are a strong, resilient person;  you can find strength you didn't know you had.  I did.  Peace be with you.