he who loses his life for my sake, will find it. Matthew 10:39

Sometimes I get tired of being a disciple of Christ because it seems I’m  always walking against the tide of world opinion;  sometimes against natural inclination.  It would be so much easier to just do what my ungodly self sometimes dictates – the cross word, the judgemental attitude and so on.

I’ve realized at last, that to take up the cross, you must indeed lose your own life and follow one whose steps led to the cross;  to  injustice, conquest, loss, pain, defeat, albeit in a temporary time frame and arena.

And yet, even as I write, I know again the call of Christ on my life. I know that I cannot live, ignoring the promise of heaven’s sunrise. I’ve tasted the Spirit Life and now it invites me to plunge into that different stream and be swept along in it’s gentle current. It means leaving the shores of earth- attitudes and living in communion with God’s Spirit;  of letting Him have the upper hand in my will and life.  It’s a very peaceful way to live, whatever the circumstances. God’s peace does indeed, pass all understanding. 

There is along with this, the accompanying experience of my feet touching the leaden earth and all the weight of my “real world” cares still rest on me.  But in a wonderfully inexplicable way, I carry these “world weights” much lighter, when I am allowing the Spirit the dominant presence in my soul.  It’s a very light, unobtrusive presence, yet it’s very powerful.  It is not all razzamatazz and signs and wonders;  it is not an excitable presence;  it is the abiding divinity of God being shared with my heart and soul. This is what makes living as a Christian not just “do-able” but easy, when it’s God's character in me which lives and acts in Godly ways.  It enables me to love and forgive people, even those who are unlovable and hard to forgive. (Forgiving takes time but is much easier when the Spirit of the merciful Christ is in my vision and resolve).

But still, sometimes, there is this hesitation to plunge in and “seek first the Kingdom”.  I’m afraid of being too different;  I’m afraid of giving up the control of my own life, even though I’ve been unhappy and frustrated in the past by wanting my life to produce what I think I need from it;  income, husband, security etc. Because sometimes, it still seems like a surrendered soul is one which is un-noticed and unacknowledged;  as though I’m living out this authentic faith and it doesn’t bring anyone else closer to God. But I know there is a vast unseen sea of things which my prayers and my life have done.  I wouldn’t want to be more than ordinary. And it’s been this very attitude of surrender which has given me wings to soar out of the dungeon of my own self-pity at all the rejection, abandonment and bullying I’ve experienced at the hands of others.  It’s been this surrender to the Spirit life which has given me self-esteem, strength and empowerment. It’s another of the parodies of the precepts of God:  the one who loses his life for my sake will gain it;  not just in heaven, but on earth too;  a rich, calm, steadfast, meaningful life.

So surrender doesn’t mean to be bowed and beaten;  it means giving over the blueprint of who you are, and all you think you need, to the One who gave up His life, and set an example of humility leading to honour, for us all to follow. It means harvesting a great crop of the fruit of righteousness which beings peace, integrity, strength