Wednesday, 27 March 2013

silver seeds

Not long after Ben's funeral, I prayed.   I don't remember what I prayed, but I remember that as I did, an image arose in my mind's eye. I could see all the people gathered at the funeral - 400 or so of them - and all these little sparkly things began to fall from the ceiling of the church.  The passage of their fall was marked by silvered tracers.  The light in the church was mellow and gentle, crafted by stained glass and high windows.  It was a beautiful scene.

The sparkly things alighted on certain people - there were a lot of them - like showers from a huge firework - but they didn't fall on everyone.
 
I didn't understand what they were at the time, but afterwards I wondered if they were the seeds of God's Kingdom alighting on some of the souls gathered.  You may think that fanciful;  just the imagination of a grief-stricken mother. Perhaps.

The thought that God would use Ben's death to plant the seeds of knowledge of Him in the hearts and souls of those present, was like a shaft of sunlight falling on a dark and rocky place. God brings good out of bad.  It helps me to embrace the mysterious sovereignty of God amidst the brokenness of the world. It helps me to make a small measure of sense out of Ben's death.

Lord God, I pray that your Kingdom will come on earth, as it is in heaven, concerning Ben's death.  Bring all the blessing you planned, to the people who need your presence.  Water the seeds that fell, until they are strong beautiful trees.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

self pity and clean grief

 Because of my previous experience of allowing selp pity to drag me down,  after I lost my son, I decided not to allow those thoughts of self pity intrude and make me maudlin.
 
There is a fine line between self-pity, and being kind to yourself as you grieve. Self-pity is a selfish emotion and will lead to destructive rather than constructive thoughts and actions.  It's one thing to validate and accept suffering and loss, but if you allow thoughts to centre on feeling sorry for yourself, you so easily descend the steps to the dungeon of self-indulgence.  All sorts of things breed down there;  resentment and blame; envy of people who haven't suffered as you have;  despair, depression; bitterness.  Self-pity can be very disabling; it keeps you in your present trouble.
These things are not in the interests of your best emotional health.  It's very hard to trudge back up out of this mire into the sunshine of effective and positive emotions. 
 
You have to deal with thoughts of anger, hurt, betrayal, sorrow.  And they arise because you have suffered something which has affected you deeply;  to not feel these things would not be "normal". You have to learn to know when you are concentrating too much on the hurt, and not enough on looking to the future. You can't deny the feelings, but there comes a time when you have to accept what's happened and decide to let it go.  You may have to decide this quite a few times;  let the negative stuff go, a little more each time.

My son drove an old 1976 Holden Kingswood.  It's a very distinctive vehicle with a distinctive sound - a V8 engine. After he died, it came back to me on the back of a truck and sat in my front yard for months.  He loved that car.  Every time I came home after being out, I would round the corner, see the car and pretend for a nano-second that he had come to visit. Eventually the car was taken by his girlfriend (still don't know what she did with it!).  But every time I would see a similar car in the street, I would think of Ben and the grief would come back.  I continued to do this for years after he died.  But after a while, I realized that I had made this car a trigger for grief which was not quite natural.  I had made it a habit;  I was slipping into self-pity and being maudlin;  the grief was no longer just a natural occurence;  I had made it contrived and was perpetuating the lovely memory of my son and his beloved car, until it was no longer about treading a journey of natural grief, but about self-pitying neurosis.

Keep your grief clean.  Don't milk it for attention;  don't squander emotional energy on self-pity. Learn to know when it's time to let go whatever it is that has happened to you.  God bless.

Friday, 22 March 2013

anxiety, endurance, and healing

I've been looking at 2 Timothy 3:11.  It's about endurance.  It's speaks of persecution and enduring with that. Paul says the Lord rescued him from his persecutions.  I suppose He did a lot of times, but I think in the end, Paul died a martyr's death.
 
When I think about how to endure, sometimes there's no other thing which keeps you going, except God. You can use strategies, diverting occupation, counselling, friends' support.  These things are invaluable.
 
But at the bottom of all these, it's just you and the problem and the pain.  And endurance will stand you in good stead.  The way to endure is one day at a time.  If you have anxiety, problems, endure them one day at a time.
 
There will come a time when you will be sick and tired of living a day at a time.  You'll long for a day when the pain/problem is less severe or finished. That day WILL come.  It absolutely will come.  And, the fact that you are longing for that healed day to come, is actually a sign you are getting better;  someone who is immobilised by fear or suffering or pain, lives in that moment because they are trapped in it.  It's only as you begin to come out of the terrible suffering or conflict, that you even have the capacity to contemplate the future.

Live a day at a time for as long as it takes to "feel normal" again.  There will come mornings of sunshine and evenings of peace.  You just have need to endure.  There will come a time when you are happier, calmer, healed. And along the way you will have learned strategies and strengths so that you will never be brought quite so low again.
 
Having said that, someone who has had terrible hurts at the hands of someone else, is never quite the same.  Certainly someone who has lost a child will never be completely healed until the Day of Resurrection dawns. Someone who has been abused as a child will always carry those wounds.
 
But there will come a sort of "healed, mended frailty"; not unlike a leg that once broken is always a little tender on the break site. 
 
For me, the anxiety and panic attacks can never have the power to completely control me, as they did in the past, because I learned how to "bluff them back".

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

it's all about love

Derek thought it stupid that a woman who was so ugly would bother wearing lipstick.  It was glumped all over her big rubbery lips.  He could barely contain his contempt.  Where the hell did these people crawl from?

The woman wouldn’t have noticed his contempt;  she was too absorbed with getting help for her grandson. He was about 4, grubby and bloody and screaming the place down.

“Jakey love, quiet down.  The nice man’s gonna help. Now hold still”  Gradually the child’s screams subsided.
The nurse began to clean the cut on his head. “ You’re very brave Jake.  We’ll just clean this off so Doctor can take a look.  Might need a stitch or two Derek, what do you think?” Derek could see the gaping sides of the wound; the pink flesh still oozing blood.

He addressed the woman archly, “Mrs Fletcher, is it?”  She looked up at him, her eyes boring into his. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to stitch it." Her huge lumpy body was heaving and her face was all red and blotchy. “Sh*t!”, he thought ”I hope she doesn’t have a heart attack”  The thought of actually touching her was repulsive. “Now you listen to me”, she said “you just get on with the job and do what has to be done.  Jake’s a big boy.  He knows you have to fix him. He ain’t no namby-pamby wuss.”  “Right then” said Derek, feeling a bit chastised. “Now if you could just hold him still” He bent over the child and said quietly “Now Jake, I’m just going to fix your cut so there’s no more blood.  It won’t hurt, I promise”.

The woman rounded on him. “Whattya mean it won’t hurt?!” Mrs Fletcher shouted.  Whattya telling him lies for!?  ‘Course it’s gonna hurt!”    She pinned Derek with her eyes, and her voice became quieter but was very firm….. “But you be just as gentle as you can”.
“Well, of course…” he began.  But she’d turned back to Jake.

“Now Jakey love, it’s gonna hurt but it won’t be too bad.  You just hold still;  here, give Grandma your hand.  Now let’s think of something else for a minute.  I know!” she looked at Derek with a swift nod to get on with it… “Remember when we all went to Dream World?  Remember that Jakey?”

And so it went.  Derek was able to stitch the little boy’s head.  His eyes stayed fixed on his Grandmother.  His hands, both of them, were clamped on hers with fierce intensity.  But he didn’t move.  He listened to his Grandmother with a look of stoic decisiveness on his little face, as she listed all the attractions of the visit to Dream World.  Finally the job was done, and the pair disappeared out through the front doors of Emergency.  They got into an old Ford Falcon and drove away.
Derek discarded his gloves and washed his hands. “Geez, you get all sorts;  what a bogun she was!”

The young Doctor had completely missed the real woman which existed beneath the low socio-economic façade.  He’d looked for nothing, and that’s what he found.  He was blinded to what really mattered; blinded by his own importance and intellect and wealth.
He’d completely missed the love.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

aqua-aerobics

I’ve been to aqua-aerobics today. Fun.  And we use a foam "noodle" and bar bells. "OK ladies, now we're going to mount our noodles" huh?  Mount my noodle? What? Like a horsie? Ok, if you say so. "Now ladies, we're going to peddle for all we're worth. Start peddling". So far, so good. "Now ladies, we're going to peddle BACKWARD on our noodles". What? Has he actually tried this underwater?! It's ridiculously hard to achieve. So, there I am, concentrating hard on getting my legs to paddle backwards, while astride my noodle.... then this... "Ok ladies, now we're going to speed it up". You're kidding; you get in this pool now and let's see YOU do it!
And the language... "we're working our obliques now ... 1! 2! 3! 4! Get those arms pumping... Now the other side... four more...4! 3! 2! 1!".  Obliques? Um, er what are they again? I forget. So, apparently, we worked our obliques and our triceps and our biceps and whatever that muscle is at the back of your arm. ... all sorts of muscles... I've forgotten them already. But I'll be back next week!

Friday, 8 March 2013

desert lessons

When Jesus was in the desert being tempted, it was before his ministry began.  The gospel of Luke records that he was full of the Spirit when he went to the desert.  He was led by the Spirit to the desert for 40 days to be tempted by the devil.  He was led by the Spirit to that arena of testing.  What might this say to us in the light of our own battles with temptation or trial?  Has God led us there?  Does God have a purpose in it?  Christ's temptation in the wilderness was to equip and strengthen him in the journey of sacrifice and service which was coming. Can we see our own testing in this light?  Suffering and trial, when walked through with the Spiri,t makes us powerful for God - tried and tested and equipped and moulded - like a horseshoe in the molten furnace we are turned to usefulness and strength.  God is in the lonely wilderness of temptation as much as he is in the lakeside walk of temperate sun and happy companions.

You just can't comprehend that, when you are in the furnace!

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Job 42:1-6; 10-17

A little while ago, I attended an “Art for the Soul” retreat at St Clements, at Galong.  It’s run by one of the Nuns up there.  It was a very refreshing experience.  I found that I was the only little Protestant amongst a whole pond full of Catholics.  That didn’t bother me.  During the course of one of the sessions, this lovely Nun said to me “Catholics always concentrate on suffering;  we often look at our faith through a perspective of suffering”.  And she thought it was time their denomination could be a little more hopeful and concentrate on the resurrection. As she was speaking, I thought that we Protestants have been the other way round; we tend to look at our faith from a resurrection perspective. And that’s a good thing, but sometimes I think we don’t allow room for lamentation in our worship.  We have both Job and Bartimaeus in our readings this morning, and they were both well acquainted with lamentation.

So it might be that we will find the whole book of Job a bit confronting.  Our reading today comes from the very last chapter;  the “good” one where Job is recompensed for all his suffering.  We are tempted to think that’s all there is to it, but I’m convinced there is such a wealth of wisdom in the book of Job, and I have to thank a sermon from that long-ago preacher Charles Spurgeon for drawing my attention to verse 8;  the one in which God says “My servant Job will pray for you and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.

So, it’s actually intercessory prayer I want us to think about this morning. What brought Job to the point of praying for his friends, when he himself was so desperate and despairing?  I want to observe some points about intercession for others and then some ideas of who we should pray for.

The book of Job is played out against the fact that the devil makes a wager with God.  The devil says “I bet if you take away all his good fortune, he’ll curse you”.  And God sys “You’re on”.  God consenting to such a wager is, in itself, hard to fathom. The book goes on to speak of Job’s terrible plight, his discourse with God and with his friends.  But in this final chapter, he says to God “I spoke of things I didn’t know or understand;  my ears have heard you now and my eyes have seen you. Speak and I will listen”.  We might interpret that as Job saying “I’ve been an ignorant prat on these matters and tried to tell you, Almighty God, what to do and how to rule the world.  I’m sorry for my arrogant presumption”  Job has been on a very difficult spiritual journey. So really, in our readings today, we have blind Bartimaeus in the gospel receiving physical sight, and we have Job, receiving spiritual sight.

 But look at verse 10 “after Job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before”.  Now it would be very dangerous to assume from this that “oh well, I’m in trouble, I’ll pray for my friends and God will intervene”.  I don’t think that’s how it is at all.  It doesn’t mean that if we pray for others, God will make fortune smile on us. In the context of Job, it seemed more like a sign that God had called off the wager. The King James Version of Verse 10 says “And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends”.

God brought good from bad, even though Job was ruined without reason.  God was in control and always had a plan in mind.   God always knew the end from the beginning and everything in between. I believe a lot of the wisdom and sense in this story hinges on Job’s journey to spiritual humility, and of gaining a different vision of who God is, despite our ideas of what’s fair and what’s unfair. It’s also about making sure we are not like Job’s friends; about whom God says “they have not spoken of me what is right, like my servant Job has”;  a flaky lot of hypocrites and religious posturers, they were.  Know everything;  know nothing;  that’s them.

It’s Job’s prayer which stops God from dealing with them according to their folly.  That’s a very powerful outcome of all Job’s distress.  And it’s the trouble and resultant refining of Job’s already upright character which ensures that this power will be put to good use.  That’s a long way to answering why God allowed the sorrows in the 1st place  So, if we follow Job’s example, we will pray for those who sleight and misunderstand us.

To be an intercessor, we need to realize a few things:

1.              Intercessional prayers, in the light of the book of Job, seem to work better if we have been though trials.  We are fitted for God’s purpose through trials.   It’s no mistake that Job could pray for his friends even after his own life had been decimated.  Job knew what suffering felt like;  knew in the end that he had been a touch arrogant.  Through our own grief, we develop the ability to walk in the shoes of others who are grieving.  It gives us compassion and empathy and it’s from this storehouse we can then pray for others and really petition God’s heart.

2.                Intercession for others is a spiritual journey not a means to an end. Job’s suffering took him on a journey of self-discovery and an awareness of God in a very personal way.  When we travel thus, close to a suffering so great, we can’t do it without depending on God, we get to know our place in God’s world;  we discover there are things we cannot control;  we realize how much more there is to life than just what we plan and want for ourselves.  We are so vulnerable, so helpless, so wretched we no longer have control over these forces of pain and we lean on the very heart of God to give us strength. We are, if we allow it, brought close to God’s character;  the very divinity of God;  we transcend our suffering and begin to see others the way God sees them.  We put off ourselves and rely on God.  When self takes a back seat in this way, we surpass our suffering and God’s spirit himself mingles himself with our spirit and we are transformed to be more like him.  Jesus himself intercedes for others - and we too, from our nobler, ego-reduced viewpoint, want to pray for them too. 

3.               Notice God doesn’t punish Job even though he has questioned and despaired.  His is an honest response to anguish and God is not displeased by that.  His dialogue of despair with God, is part of the journey.  We must conclude from this that when we cry out to God with honest questions, this is not a bad thing – it’s when God is there with us, even though, at the time He might seem silent.  After all, we are still speaking to God – we are still in relationship with God.  Something happens in that calm candle flame of our own spirit, when, in the midst of grief or bewilderment, God’s spirit begins to burn with our own.  It’s a very sacred, mystical transference of the divine nature. 

4.                Intercession requires grace;  the experience of God’s grace to us, which we use to intercede for others.  We see them as flawed like us, and loved by God, like us.  Mercy and compassion are the big sisters of intercession.

5.              It’s a sign of spiritual health and healing, and victory in spite of trouble.  If we are finally at peace enough with what God has allowed for us, we can embrace praying for others.  We have travelled a long way in our efforts to grapple with awful circumstances and are still trusting God. Strength and power are ours when we pray from this vantage point. This leads me to my next point:

6.                There is power in our prayers.  Prayers of righteous people can change things.  These verses in Hebrews 12 spring to mind: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it”.  There is something amazing which happens when a righteous saint of God, who has stood firm through trial, then prays for others.  . The prayer of the righteous doesn’t mean we have to be perfectly good.  It means we need to walk in the light of Christ’s spirit which will tell us where we err and prompt us to confess it to Him.  It’s our confession and reliance on Him by faith which makes us righteous, not our outward behaviour

7.               There is Christ’s example, and even from the cross he prayed “Father forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing”. We have to ask in the name of the High Priest Jesus, who once for all sacrificed for us, as in Hebrews reading.  We have to have a relationship with Him, the great Redeemer. And because he suffered, he is our greatest example of the power of intercessory prayer.

Who then should we pray for? Praying for people who get on our nerves is hard;  praying for those who have sleighted us but without intent or malice is harder;  praying for people who have gone out of their way to mistreat or hurt is just because they can, is very difficult indeed.  We can pray for:


1                                For those lost to the gospel. They are all around us.  We can use the nightly news to pray for those who are so in need of the redemptive power of God, not just for their personal salvation, but for the enrichment of our society too.

2                                We can pray Our friends who are proud of their religiousness;  those who are insensitive, haughty.  Those who have wronged us. How do we pray for people like this?  How did Job do it?  I’ll tell you how I do it. I say to God “I don’t feel like praying for this person, but because you require it, I will”. To be sure, it’s a very wooden, uninvolved prayer at first. But when we pray in this way over time, gradually we ourselves are changed and we find we can actually pray for those who have wronged us, with forgiveness and goodwill in our hearts.

3                                Our friends who are ill,  or sorely tried, dispirited, or who are battling temptation.  Apparently, Internet porn is the fastest growing industry on the worldwide web.  If we know people, even Christians, who are trapped in this, our prayers of intercession could be the means of setting them free.

4                                The wider community.  We are out in the world every day;  we can intercede for people in our own circle of friends and workmates;  we can intercede for people in the most dire and degraded situations.  We can pray as we see them from our cars or in the street, or on the news. We can petition God’s heart on their behalf and He can set in place, the means to answer those prayers.

5                                We can pray for very evil people;  people who have gone beyond just selfishness – people who use others for their own gratuitous power.  Organised crime, violent dictators, and malevolent military forces. Our prayers can break forces of evil and summon the angel host to rescue others.

6                             And finally, we can pray that what we give in financial ways to help others will be multiplied millions of times, so that all can be fed.

So, if you feel yourself in the dark vale of trouble or affliction this morning, take heart, because God always has a plan, and will always bring us through, with the tree of our soul laden with much fruit.  Some of that bounty will be the ability to intercede on behalf of others and know that God hears and answers our prayers. Amen.