I went to a Lenten Bible Study last week. It was called "Finding God in dark places" and was run over a series of weeks preceding Easter. I went twice but found the experience a bit unhelpful. I've known a lot of dark places in my life, and when confronted with questions about how and where is God at such times, I found that I talked about my own dark times a little too much. And I found that some people didn't understand why I thought God was hard to find during times like this. I also discovered that speaking these demons out loud connected me with them and exposed me to some sad thoughts about them.
For example, when I said that I sometimes felt far away from God, because of some of the things which I've experienced at the hands of others, an older lady piped up straight away and said "if you feel far away from God, guess who's moved!". I thought it was a trite and indifferent way to answer someone who has just confessed to being unable to feel close to God because something terrible has happened.
Bible studies like this are always swayed a bit by who else goes. I went 3 times in the end and in the three times I went, this trite answer was expressed twice. Each time it was expressed from someone from the "religious" group of people who are in every church. They are the ones who turn up for church with a puddle-deep faith and social-club enjoyment of the gathered congregation. They are often comfortable people with black and white, nailed-down Christianity which has never really been put to the test. (ie they believe that God provides and honours us by making us prosperous, and they are prosperous so they never have to question why God would allow all their money to be taken away). So the trite answer fits them but it makes me very disquieted, because all of those nailed down values I used to have have been tested and tried in the furnace of suffering and loss. The "religious" among us are always ready with the trite answer which mostly implies that it must be something you have done wrong which has caused you to fall away from God.
The fact is though, that there IS truth in that phrase. I am happiest and closest to God when I make a conscious decision to follow him for the abiding peace He gives.
But it means offering up, over and over, the mortal death blows of suffering and puzzlement at the adverse and strife-filled situations and circumstances I've experienced. It means offering these up to the Suffering Jesus on a regular basis and saying
"Here, take my wounds; take my circumstances. I will never understand in this life, why you allowed them for me. But I acknowledge you as Lord of all of them. I accept them. Have mercy on me because I keep wanting to criticise your dealings with me. Help me to trust you anyway."
It's when I make the conscious decision to look up from the wreckage of my fallen and crushed dreams; look beyond my self-pity and see the Crucified one and the light of heaven in His face, that I know peace and contentment, even in the midst of loss.
My vision has shifted from earthly values to His heavenly ones, and I know it is me who HAS moved.
Yet, despite all this, there are still times in the very practical and harried and impacting day to day life, and I battle with these unanswered big questions, when heaven's door remains shut and silent to my strained and puzzled prayers.
Perhaps it's God's way of telling me
"You cannot know these things yet. Wait and follow; look over the wreckage of all you hoped for. To me.
I will always have abundant peace to offer you, despite the ruined buildings in your journey and the broken ground which has marked your way.
Keep coming. Keep coming, with faith, not with sight; keep coming with heavenly values and treasures, not earthly ones."
